I’m really an alien.

Let’s go back a few decades for my next post. When I was a small child and my mind was still being molded, my dad decided it would be fun to convince me that I was an alien. Well, not just me, but that our entire family was aliens. I was probably about 4 the first time I heard my dad mention the “mother planet” in passing. Of course, I did not know what that meant, so I didn’t think much of it. It progressed from there. My dad and sister kept talking about contacting the “mothership” and getting word back to the “mother planet.”

I remember when I was probably 5, I asked my dad how he and my sister Hilary would contact the “mothership” and what they were going to tell her. My dad explained to me, quite calmly with a completely straight face, that a mothership was not like mother nature; it was our vehicle to the mother planet. I asked why the mother planet was not like mother nature, and he laughed slightly calling me a silly baby and telling me that I was too young to understand. He started to walk away, knowing that I wouldn’t let him not tell me the rest. I grabbed his hand and said “no daddy, you’re going to explain it to me; I’m old enough!” So, this began the story of Planet Kreplach.

My dad launched into a compelling tale of our family history. He told me about how my great grandparents came here from Kreplach on our family mothership. They came as explorers to meet the natives of this planet and learn about their primitive ways. He told me of the advanced technology that our fellow Kreplachians had back at home. So, of course, I asked when I could go back to the mother planet. I remember my dad’s smile when I asked, I thought it was genuine love for a growing girl, but it was definitely amusement. He told me that I couldn’t return to the mother planet until my horns grew in. I went wide-eyed and said “my wha-what?!?”

“Oh, your horns honey, didn’t I tell you that the biggest difference between a Kreplachian and a Human was that Kreplachians have bigger brains and grow horns? We file ours down to fit in with the Humans. You know, they think we look like their mythical demon devil when we let our horns grow out.”

Of course, I freaked out a little. I asked if girls got them too and if I would have to file them down. My dad told me it would be a few years before mine started to develop. He told me that Hilary had been filing hers for about 2 years now, she was about 11 at the time. He explained to me that it was just a part of growing up.

My sister and dad would regularly discuss the mother planet and the mother ship at dinner. I remember at one dinner, my mom was frustrated with the two and them and got up and left telling them that they were impossible. My dad explained that my mom didn’t think I was old enough to handle the news that we were aliens. He said that he trusted me not to ask her about it because it would just upset her. Dinners like this one went on for a few years. I remember when I was about 8, my dad would rub my head telling me he was looking for my horns.

So my crazy dad had me convinced for a few years that we were aliens from Planet Kreplach. Anytime that I claim not to be gullible, I’m reminded that I’m really an alien with enhanced intelligence and filed horns.

Tags: Crazy Dad